squam prep

Squam is only two weeks away now, and I’ve been busily preparing these last few weeks. One of my classes is travel journaling, which I’m really excited about. I have been coming up with interesting prompts to get imagination revved and pens to paper. There’s a big stack of them now… and I’m thinking about sharing these here on the blog after squam, one by one as a fun weekly challenge if people are interested. Perhaps. Still toying…

I have a lot more to do yet. Gotta run out and get some supplies to ship in advance, find some warmer clothes to wear (kind of hard when all my stuff is in storage… all I have out are summer clothes), and finish up planning classes. I hope that the people participating in my events have fun. I am worried that I’m going to be a big flopper and disappoint people… but I’m trying to just let go, have fun with it and just let whatever will be will be. Gotta do your best and then step away, right?

* * *

One last and unrelated note: I think I’m going to try to start responding to questions in the comments at the end of each day. I’m not sure how long it’ll last, but I’ll give it a shot. :)

Posted in art, creativity | 11 Comments »

this weekend I…

- worked. But it was fun because I am whipping up a KILLER WICKED FUN campaign for a local agency and it’s totally pulling me out of my eff-art phase. I cannot wait to show you eventually!

- took a day off to go kayaking with my mom (the avid kayaker), Colin and Tom. The river was beautiful, but was surrounded by ragweed, which I’m really allergic to in the fall. So I got to practice my farmer blow abilities. I also got to see tiny tadpoles, painted turtles and three deer standing in the river taking a bath.

- discovered a rope swing and watched my brother try it out. Looked like a gorilla swan diving into a mud puddle.

- celebrated my four year business anniversary at bonge’s tavern in Perkinsville, IN. I had the cobia, which was delish.

- bought a few maternity tops at Target for the growing belly bean. For some reason I love green these days.

- watched (sort of, I was working at the same time) the newer Rambo movie (inadvisable). Um, hello guts and gore. (This was NOT my choice… call it the downside of living with two boys at the moment.)

- had to read library books to fall asleep afterwards.

- Tried out a new recipe: baked manicotti. Turned out pretty yummy.

Posted in everyday things | 7 Comments »

Bunches of new work…

For those interested, I just posted a BUNCH of new work in my News section of this site. Projects I’ve been wanting to share for some time! Hope you enjoy. :)

Happy weekend all!

Posted in art | 8 Comments »

The Plan

I read something the other day that said “act as if you know what’s going on. as if you are divinely guided. believe that you are always at the right place at the right time and everything you do and everything that happens is orchestrated for your higher growth.”

And I tossed it over my shoulder into my backpack just like every other thing that I read that day.

But it resurfaced this morning as I woke up before dawn and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I thought about all my desires, needs, pushing for something specific to take place. About everything that’s taken place in the last couple of months. And about how upset I  can get about something happening or not happening.

This is attachment. And my attachment currently is this house we are supposed to close on next week. There is a problem with finding a mortgage because the house is so unique. And it’s out of my hands, yet it keeps me up and I feel panic about it.

Why? Because I feel I need it. But what would happen if I didn’t get it? If we can’t find a mortgage and the house just slipped away? Nothing. We’d look for something else and move on with our lives. (That was hard to write.)

And here’s where that quote comes in: what if this situation were divinely guided? If I were to just trust that whatever happens with the house is what was supposed to happen? That it’s all orchestrated for my higher growth? (Even something as trivial as a house.)

I guess the opposite train of thought would be total anarchy… no reason for anything… all random acts that don’t ever add up. And I think even that leads me back to the same place: Either way, I don’t have control over it. And I never did. So why not just let it happen without grasping?

I talked to a friend yesterday who was very upset that her daughter didn’t get into an art class because she is a bit too young. But, I thought, what if that was meant to be too, according to a divine plan? Maybe this little girl would have been intimidated by the older kids and decided that her art stunk in comparison and it squelched her artistic spirit before it even had a chance to flourish? Maybe when she does start, in another year or so, she’ll be inspired and nurtured and all will be perfect?

Another friend of mine has a specific timeline in her head about when she is supposed to get married, have kids, etc. But none of it is happening according to her plan. And it’s hard for her. But that might be divinely guided too… maybe the universe is whipping up some awesome scenario that delivers more than she could have imagined? Or maybe she is growing into herself as a way to be whole and solid for when the time is right. Who knows?

Even Tom losing Alison. It seems to make no sense whatsoever. Why someone so young and beautiful died so early because of a stupid disease that couldn’t be controlled. Maybe even that was part of the divine plan too. (I don’t have any potential good reasons to throw out there… it’s beyond me. But that’s where faith comes in. Faith that this plan is so big it even includes death.)

I think everything could fit under this umbrella. From the tiniest upsets to the hugest losses. And all the good stuff too — an unwarranted stroke of good fortune. Things working out in a way you’d hoped, or would have hoped, if only you’d known. It’s all part of it.

So where am I going with all this? I guess I’m just trying to act as if I know what’s going on. To do what I reasonably can and let the rest go and detach. To have faith. And to step back and realize that I don’t have control. Never did. Never will. And be ok with that. Trust that we are all in the right place at the right time.

Posted in balance | 32 Comments »

Baby bump - 14.5 weeks

The 14.5 week baby bump is much bigger than the 13 week. I can actually feel it growing. (It’s not the most comfortable feeling in the world, but pretty cool!) I’m still super tired every day. Trying hard to get things done in between naps. I’m ready for my energy to return!

Posted in everyday things | 28 Comments »

mighty

You will be on solid ground soon. Soon. You will remember to look up at the stars soon. Soon. You will be enjoying it all again soon. Soon. Hang in there and just take little baby steps. One task at a time. One day. One hour. One moment. One breath.

You are not required to be perfect or put on a good show. You don’t have to keep it all together all the time. And if you start to fall apart at the seams, quietly excuse yourself and remember that what you are doing/feeling/thinking right now is really really ok. Even if it looks like other people are living magic while you’re in the middle of desert quicksand.

And you… you are a powerful thing. You feel it all deeply. You think independently and solidly. You got good bones that hold you strong, even if everything else is liquid around them.

You are good. You are mighty. And you are whole.

Posted in balance | 25 Comments »

baby bump - 13 weeks

It’s pretty tiny so far, but definitely there. I am not wearing maternity clothes yet, obviously. :)

Posted in pregnancy | 20 Comments »

window perch

These last few months have felt like I’ve been standing at the window of my life, looking in. Not totally involved, but just an observer. Watching the characters inside pass by the window, catching little bits of conversation, a few light scents as they reach my post, the muted music from a few rooms away.

I’ve been going through the motions. I play illustrator when called to. Care-taker when needed. Sister, wife, mama, counselor, friend. And I’m gearing up to play teacher, lecturer, mentor. But it hasn’t felt real. This standing outside, peering in is almost like a dream. It leaves me feeling helpless.

I don’t know if this has been because so much has shifted in the last few months… selling a house and moving, becoming pregnant and dealing with first trimester woes, moving into my brother’s basement and being suddenly surrounded by people, house hunting, buying, waiting, Alison’s sudden downturn and passing, grieving. It’s been a lot. And I think maybe my window perch has been my reprieve, even if I feel disengaged at times. My window has protected me.

Tonight felt just a little different. Driving through the cornfields on the way home, I noticed the sun sitting at the top of the stalks, making them glow yellow. I saw how green the gaps between the leaves were. How the clouds started to form pictures again. I felt a tiny letting go. Happy in the moment. Filled with wonder at just how precious and tiny and humongous life is — even during the completely heartbreaking times. And my window opened just a tiny crack.

* * *
Thank you all for your kind excitement about the pregnancy — it is a spot of sunshine right now. And many many thank yous for all your well wishes and condolences on Alison’s passing. If you’d like to do something for Alison, please donate to the American Cancer Society here. It would mean so much to her. Or if you’d rather, you can give blood which could go to another cancer patient that needs it. It’s not painful and it is really necessary for lots of people. If we all give a little, it can all add up big.

many blessings to you,
penny

Posted in everyday things | 8 Comments »

alison

Alison passed away tonight around 7pm. She was surrounded by all the family and friends one could possibly hope for… Surrounded by love. Each one taking time to say goodbye, hold her hand, tell her they loved her. Tom was amazing…

The sun sets each evening, but the sun is always rising somewhere else.

We loved you so much Alison. Always will.

Posted in everyday things | 95 Comments »

And baby makes 3

I hate keeping secrets. I toss them over in my head over and over waiting till the appropriate time to spill it out. And now, finally, is that time.

I am so excited to tell you that we are a little over 12 weeks pregnant! A baby bean is coming our way in February! Yeeee!

I still can’t believe this is real… We’d been trying for about a year and a half and wanted this little soul to come into our lives so badly. And it finally happened in the month of May that I took off for some intense healing and personal space (remember?). (I wanted to tell you then, but of course could not…)

Colin and I were unknowingly practicing conscious conception (my yoga instructor informed me that everything we were doing was on this path: yoga together, clearing up old personal wounds, detoxing our space, becoming veg, etc) and that paired with some good western docs steering us in the right direction finally did the trick I think. And now we are just on cloud nine!

And this probably explains why my creativity has fallen to record lows in the last 3 months. Colin says that I’ve just been busy creating something completely different. (Isn’t he sweet?) And that paired with the fact that I have pretty much felt nauseous 24/7 and that I could barely keep my eyes open for more than 2 hours at a time explains why I’ve been quiet and down for the count here. I had to fit what I could into the few moments that I was awake!

I really couldn’t believe that the first trimester took me out like that. My sister had just been through it and said it knocked her out, and I secretly thought she was just being a wuss. (sorry Laur! hee!) I couldn’t imagine being that tired because of a few cells spinning around in my belly. And I truly thought that I’d be able to plow through it like my normal self. That tiredness and nausea was something I could conquer with hard work and determination.

Um, not so much.

My body was completely commandeered and I had no choice but to honor that. It suddenly put things into perspective. Work could wait. I could fit in in the cracks if I cut back on the amount of assignments I was taking. Social events had to be put on hold because I never felt good enough to go. And I had to focus on self-care only… Sleeping. Eating healthy food. Relaxing.

But I have to say that it has been VERY difficult through the move and house hunt and caring for Alison while Tom was away. I had to learn to let other people do things for me. Something I’m just not good at. (I tend to think that my way of doing things is better… Arrogant, I know…)

So, this has all just been a huge learning time for me so far. And I’m sure it’s just going to continue to teach me and mold me as it progresses… the pregnancy as well as the sweet little one on its way.

But I’m looking forward to it all. It’s a reprogramming that I welcome with open arms. I am so looking forward to kissing little baby toes, sniffing a tiny baby head, and having my world rocked so hard it’s unrecognizable. Can’t wait!

!!!

Posted in everyday things | 82 Comments »