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Goodbye summer. Hello fall.
Been thinking a lot about choices lately. Choices that lead us in different directions, on different paths. I feel like I have control over a lot of what happens to me, like I'm playing some kind of video game...except that the main objective is more than killing the evil king, or whatever (I hate video games...why am I using this analogy?). It's more complicated than that, I think. (Maybe not though.)
The choices we make affect what happens to us. If we decide to not pay our mortgage, some scary man with a baseball bat will come and kick us out. If we decide to sell all our belongings and travel the world for a year, then we go broke but have invaluable memories and experiences. I'm being a little flippant, but you get the idea.
Career-wise I know this is true. I wasn't satisfied with my previous job as an art director, so I did something about it. I worked really hard to change directions. And I did it, even though it was really hard and really scary. I have a career that gives me great satisfaction. It's not always peachy and wonderful, but I know I'm at least on the right path.
Same thing with marriage. I chose to marry someone who is patient and kind and intelligent (not to mention good-looking)...someone who challenges me and I love to be with. And that choice has affected my whole life, obviously.
But this goes for the little things, too. (I always get tripped up by the little things.) I mean, if I'm in a bad mood, that's my fault, right? It's my perception of the situation. It's my reaction. And I have the power to change it. Alter my thinking. Change how I handle the situation. And usually, I know what to do to make that change. For example: Two Saturdays ago I was moping around, feeling pretty blah. And I really was just wallowing in it (feeling sorry for myself, as my mom says right before she kicks my butt). And it crossed my mind what would help: a long hot shower, some comfortable clothes and a day out doing something like a movie or antiquing or a walk in the park. So I did just that. I got cleaned up and went out. And I felt much better.
So I'm trying to apply this idea to my whole life...seeing what I can improve/change. Right now I'm not liking where I live because the highway is so loud behind my house. And I love to be outside, so this is a problem. So, we are going to start looking for new digs (nothing urgent, just hoping the longer we look, the more likely we are to find the perfect thing).
Also, I don't like that I suddenly have this poochy belly. So I'm running a lot and doing yoga to get rid of it. And I'm starting to eat healthier food. I love taking care of myself and feeling strong.
Large or small, I think we have the power to do something about it, whatever that "it" is. Choose to be where and who we are.
Think your hair is mousy brown? For god's sake, dye it a fun color.
Tired of not being energetic? Walk in the mornings. Drink some water.
Hate that your wardrobe consists of black and blue? Buy something bright to mix in.
Hate your job? Start thinking about what you'd like to be doing instead, and look into that.
Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now (hee). I was just happy to finally put this feeling into words for myself. I'm off to change some stuff (aka...mow the lawn).
I found out a bit of really really cool news just the other day. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to mention it yet, but they put it on their site, so I guess the word's out.
One of my pieces (Caged Bird, above) was accepted into 3x3's Illustration Awards Annual, coming out in January 2006!
Coincidentally, you can buy a print of that one at LopiePop! :)
Holy monkey. Today has been totally mind numbing. I've been meaning to catch up on archiving and today's the day. I have millions (okay, not really....thousands though) of disks all around me of all the stuff from my computer. Eesh. I hate archiving. But when it's done, it feels so good! Just like cleaning out my closet, which I did last night. Salvation Army here I come. I wish I could throw away everything but one pillow to sleep on, one soft blanket, and all my very favorite books.
Also, the image above is from one of my sketchbooks. I don't show enough sketching... :)
Also also: I redid my portfolio here and added some more images. Maybe some you've not seen yet? Enjoy!
I have always liked writing lists. Keeps my mind in order (or more truthfully...allows my mind to stay somewhat disorganized because I know I have it written down somewhere). One of my favorite lists to write is the Grateful list. Ten things I'm really thankful for at the moment. And even better is when you have to do it as fast as you can (no deep thinking, just appreciating). It makes me stop worrying about the piddly things and focus for just a moment on a bit of happiness. It's a way to be mindful. With that...here I go:
1. My dog Vince, who went on a run with me this morning and didn't stop to pee too much this time.
2. Being surrounded by art supplies...yummy colors everywhere I look.
3. Things hanging from the ceiling (I have lots...sculptures, lights, figures, stars...)
4. A good lunch of stuffed clams, sauteed spinach with grape tomatoes.
5. Getting ideas again...not being able to do them all because there are two many.
6. Movies about surfing.
7. Martha Steward Kids magazine.
8. Having sunshine on my sister's outdoor wedding this past weekend and being able to hang out with my lovely sister-in-law for three days straight.
9. The tree in my front yard with star leaves.
10. Anne Lamott's book "Traveling Mercies".
Your turn!
I think I am officially over my slump. (big sigh of relief!) I am feeling alive again. I have ideas flowing. My creativity is bubbling just below the surface, waiting to be tapped. Man...oh....that is such a great feeling. To feel optimistic. To know your next step is going in the right direction.
A few things I need to keep in mind next time this happens:
1. Run a lot. Running hurts. I'm not real good at it and don't really enjoy it. And the physical discomfort makes me forget about everything else.
2. Watch my favorite movie (for the bazillionth time): Great Expectations. Good stuff there. Always makes me feel inspired.
3. Read some books. I read a lot of Anne Lamott books and it really helped. But do not read any business/industry books. Steer clear of those.
4. Allow myself to not work. Don't put pressure on it. It will come back. Just do the client work that needs to be done and nothing else. And, for the love of grapes...DO NOT feel guilty about it.
5. Try to just be. That is really hard. But try. Lay down and just let your mind wander until it comes back.
* * * * * *
On a completely different note: What size Tshirts do ya'll wear?
Illustration Friday: Escape
This just hit me this week. A good image for what I've been going through lately. Escape.
8x8.5", paint on paper
Last weekend Colin and I covered The Midwest Music Summit for Nuvo Newsweekly. I'm not much into electronic music (although I love Prefuse73). So it was interesting to listen to gain appreciation for it. I did the illo above and you can read Colin's article here.
You guys blow me away with your kindness. I was so afraid you'd judge me after I wrote that last post. Afraid of admitting that I was going through something really ugly. But each one of you who commented or emailed me gave me some great food for thought. A little gold nuggets of hope and encouragement. And I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be supported like that. You rock. Thank you.
I'm not totally out of the dark yet, but last night I had a little shimmery idea come to me. And idea that is somewhat small, but I when I think about it I get those happy chilly goosebumps down my arm. It feels so good to know there are things still bubbling to the surface, even in the face of major downtime.
I've been working on the things that need to be done (client work-wise). But I'm not pushing right now. Still taking it easy. Running a lot. Reading a lot. Napping. Trying to be kind to myself. (Why is that so hard?)
Anyway, many thank yous to you... I send you each a big virtual thank you hug and swirly mass of embracing okay-ness.
I've been feeling like a gangly awkward teenager lately. Unsure of myself and my direction. Still growing into oversized features...(I've been hesitant to write it here for fear of sounding ungrateful. But then I realized that maybe I should anyway...knowing in my heart that I am grateful for what I have/am even in patchy times. And maybe someone can relate...who knows.) I find myself shying away from things lately. I don't feel like doing much besides reading and napping. I'm not sure why. I took a break. I should be well rested and rejuvenated right? But I don't feel that way much.
My art has been confusing me lately. I'm not sure if I'm doing it right...and what is right anyway? There's no such thing in art, right? The line between fine art and illustration is smudged in my eyes right now. So where am I standing?
I think too much. I know I do. I've always been told this. I wish I could just shut it off and just be. Quiet and meditative and serene...knowing where my next footstep will be. Where my path is leading. What the hell I am doing. But I feel confused.
This is a time when a nice steady job would be really great. To be able to go to work and have someone put a task in front of you and all you have to do is complete it before the day is up. Then you know that you can go home and leave it all behind, go watch the latest sitcom craze and forget all about it...and hey, bonus! A nice big fat paycheck waiting for you at the end of next week.
This is hard. Money is tight. Creativity seems forced. My instincts have fled for the moment. And I'm left here in a quiet studio wondering what to do to move beyond this.
Objectively speaking I realize I have a lot of positive things going on right now. Gallery shows. Getting better at the business part of running my own business. A handful of illustration assignments. A husband who loves me even in when I'm not joyful. My health. Sunshine. But even though I see all those things, why do I not feel them? That's the worst part...knowing there's no reason for it and not being able to change the way you feel.
Re-reading, I feel guilty in a way for putting this up here. I know that most of you come here for a happy retreat or a burst of inspiration. So my apologies. We'll get back to the usual soon...
Illustration Friday: Depth
"Depth", 6"x12" paint on paper
Maggie May sits on my lap...isn't she adorable?
The winds of Friday night swept Kate and her lovely pup Maggie to my doorstep. It was an interesting evening of purse party attending (whaaa...?), wine drinking, sushi eating, dog watching, and chit chatting. Kate is as lovely as you'd imagine she'd be...clever, beautiful and talented. (I got to see her illustrations in person and hooboy! were they outstanding...I can't even tell you.) I wish we'd had more time to talk...but she's on her way to her new life in Colorado. So it goes.
Saturday was a lazy reading day followed by watching "Me, You and Everyone We Know" at my favorite theater. The movie was really uncomfortable to watch and I can't say that I enjoyed it (in fact, I didn't like it), but after reading reviews and critiques, I find that I don't regret it. It spoke about the problem/hardships of connecting with other people...with difficult subject matter. Not easy to watch, but I think easy to appreciate once you give it a little more thought.
Sunday we saw another movie (big movie weekend...aren't movies good escapes?). This time we saw Saint Ralph. I really enjoyed this one. Cried in the theater twice in fact. (side note: I'm get WAY into movies...back when I was a volunteer sister, I took her to see a comedy. I laughed at a funny scene and apparently it was too loud because she leaned over to tell me: "Penny, you're laughing too loud! It's embarrassing!"... hee.) Anyway, Saint Ralph was uplifting and funny. If it's playing near you, you should go see it! I promise not to sit with you.
Time for some working...
Illustration Friday: Roots
When I think of roots I think of a firmly rooted support system. I'm speaking personally here when I say that I would be completely nutty without mine.
It's been too long since I've written. I took a break and then when I came back I had to hit the ground running. Clients to be attended to...flames to put out...messes to mop up. I'm slowly getting through it. I hope I didn't leave you hanging too long...
The break was nice. I really needed it. I can't let myself burn out like that again. I am trying to figure out ways to replenish as I go instead of just every now and then. Every now and then doesn't cut it. Taking time for yourself is so important. Gives you a much needed objective look at things. I found it funny how quickly some of my personal dilemmas were solved once I stepped away for a while. It's like putting on glasses. Huh. Gotta keep that in mind. It's always an issue of balance. Why am I not better at this by now?
I celebrated my birthday on Tuesday. My husband surprised me with a picnic of my favorite snacks in the park. It was a nice treat. Wine, goat cheese with crackers, hummus, shrimp cocktail...even ice cream with chocolate syrup. yum!
Another year older. I feel like last year was a really big learning year for me. And I mainly learned that I have a lot more learning to do. I wonder what this year will be like...
It's good to be back.
I'm taking a few (much needed!) days off. See you next week.
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© Penelope Illustration. Stealing
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