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Why is it that when we have a bad day,
we just make it worse by abusing our
bodies? Or is that just me? Yesterday
was rotten and dull and long and flat.
And how did I react? I decided to not
do anything good for myself. No checking
friendly emails, no eating a healthy meal,
no going for a walk. I drank a bottle of
wine and cried and felt sorry for myself
and fell asleep early. And this morning
I'm really regretting it. I am sick to my
stomach, my head aches, I feel squishy.
But that's not the main reason I regret it.
That reason is that I didn't let it go. I didn't
allow myself to feel better. I just made it worse.
I wish I would have cried as hard as I could
to get it out, talked to Colin about it, and gotten
over it, so at least part of my day would have
been good.
Next time. Next time.
Yesterday I had lunch with a very intimidating
person. And I was dreading it. I mean REALLY
dreading it. I was nervous, had mean, bitchy
butterflies in my stomach, my hands were
clammy...the works. I made a list of topics
I could bring up in case there was a long,
awkward silence or a stare down contest.
My head was so hot I thought it was going
to explode when I pulled up. My heart
was tight in my chest, beating too fast. I
thought I might hyperventilate.
Breathe, Lopie. Breathe.
But then I got to the restaurant, ordered
more sushi that humanly possible to
consume in one sitting, and started talking.
At first, I did the weird eye-contact thing...
You know what I'm talking about. It's
where you make eye contact for too long
and then realize it, so you look away. Then
you notice that you've been staring at your
cherry coke for a really long time and needed
to make eye contact again, so you do that.
And you're really conscious of it and just
know that they are too, which makes it
almost painful.
But then, you know what happened?
I found myself interested in what he was
saying. I stopped caring about how much
eye contact I was making. I stopped
cutting my sushi into little bits that I could
easily swallow hole if I forgot to chew.
I stopped obsessing over what my hands
were doing. And I listened intently. I
heard myself asking questions because
I was curious for more information.
My awkwardness and fear went away.
We ended up finishing our sushi, going
on to Starbucks for coffee, and heading
back to the studio for even more chatting.
We ended up talking for three and a half
hours.
Who knew. Why was I so scared, I ask
now? What did I have to be afraid of?
Today I am deciding not be embarrassed
that I was so afraid. I am choosing to see it
as a lesson for myself: Things only seem
scary or intimidating because you haven't
experienced them yet. Once you are there,
doing the thing you are afraid of, it will get
easier and work out just dandy.
Hoo yah.
Last night was Grandma D's birthday
party. There was a cookout held in
her honor with hamburgers, tomatoes,
fresh vegetables, and plenty of baked
beans. She was delighted to have her
family surrounding her, you could see
it in her eyes.
Grandma D is a very special lady. She's
very old and very wise. It's that kind of
wisdom that only comes with age. A cool
serenity, knowing that everything will be
okay however it decides to work itself out.
And it's inspiring. During a conversation
with her I admitted that sometimes I worried
and was scared. And she just said calmly,
"I don't worry about things I can't control.
Only worry about the things you can."
And I sat back and just thought: "Yeah,
why didn't I think of that?".
I smiled and ate my cherry chip cake with
pink icing (yum!), wondering about all the
stuff that was out of my control versus in.
And started to let it go.
***
I hope you all have a lovely weekend filled
with turtle pools and trees and good reads.
Thank you for the kind words of encouragment
about my letting go of my volunteer sister.
It means a lot to me to be supported like that.
Earlier this week I had to make a very
difficult decision. I have been a volunteer
for the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization
for two years and my match with my little
sister was not going well. Little P comes
from a very underprivileged and uneducated
family. And it got to be more than I thought
I could handle.
At first the match was alright. I was nervous
when I picked her up at her house because
the neighborhood was not very safe. She
had six siblings living in the house with her
and they all have some kind of disability.
They clawed at me and cried to go along
every time I picked Little P up. And it broke
my heart (and kind of scared me, to be truthful).
But then we went to a restaurant or a movie
and it was more comfortable. I didn't connect
well with her, but I thought it was because
we'd just met.
We continued going out for the next two
years, and we never really established a
good relationship. She told stories about
her uncle's brother-in-law's cousin and
I listened, trying to make sense of it. When
she made racist jokes, lied to me, or was
just plain belligerent I tried to explain how
I thought differently. I tried to lead by
example. To show that there was a different
way to do things than she was used to.
But mostly I tried to understand and listen.
But I just got to the point where I couldn't
do it anymore. I didn't look forward to getting
together with her. I cried after I dropped her
off every time. I wasn't making a difference.
I wasn't helping. She needed more than I
knew how to give.
So Monday I called my case worker and told
her that I thought Little P needed another Big
Sister who was more mature and better
equipped to handle her and her family. And I
was really relieved when the case worker said
that she understood. She wasn't upset or
disappointed. She said she knew it was a very
difficult match and she was impressed that I did
it for so long. I felt a little better after that.
I then had to call Little P and carefully explain
the situation. I told her that our case worker
was going to find her another Big Sister who
could spend more time with her and be there
for her more than I could.
She just said "kay" and "yeah" and "kay" again.
I asked if she was upset or disappointed, and she
said "no" very matter-of-factly. It was like she wasn't
human. All my effort and tears and worrying was
nothing. (I am still a bit shocked by her response.)
I am also feeling residual guilt and shame.
I couldn't handle it. And I thought I could handle
anything. I feel like I failed in this situation.
But I think I will look back after a time and know
I did the right thing. Getting her a different Big Sister
who can take her on and give her what she needs
will be better for her in the long run, I think. So
maybe admitting I couldn't handle it isn't failing,
it's being big enough to do the right thing.
Busy-lope
Life is not calm, cool, and collected at the
moment. Oh no. Hardly. Life is a busy
bumbling bee. I've been feverishly working
on the book (yay!) along with several other
projects that just consume all my time. I'd
love to just go outside and sit in the sun
with a book and some lemonade, but alas...
I am responsible-lope. (sigh)
In all honesty, I love being busy. I'd much
rather be busy than bored. Boredom causes
me to think way too much and I tend to do
better if I just *do*.
So today. I will just do.
Oh road tripping. The uncomfortable back
seat. The occasional nauseous stomach.
The non-stop junk food. What's not to love?
I had a really good time, actually. We drove
to St. Louis to see Chuck Berry play. Man,
he rocks out. I can't imagine having as much
energy as that 76 year old man. Holy canoli.
He wore a purple, shiny shirt that looked like
it was made of japanese beetles holding hands.
He had a bright red guitar that maxed the
speakers. He did some hip thrust moves that
made me blush. It was a spectacle, I tell ya.
While we were there we went to the St. Louis zoo
(it's free!)...and we drank some brewskis...and we
stayed in just-on-par hotels...
Then we drove to Chicago where we visited my
grandpa for father's day, went swimming in the
hotel pool, and ate really good pizza.
And of course, the whole entire time we played
I Spy.
I'm leaving on a road trip for a couple of days.
I plan on playing much car bingo, I Spy,
and story telling. See you when I return!
Feeling good, feeling great, how are you?
I am on cloud nine right now. I am able
leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I am singing in the rain (yes, more water...
you'd think I was living in Seattle or
something). Okay, I am out of cliches.
The reason for my happiness is because
I was hired to do a really fun logo for a
pet organization and thought what I came
up with was just too cool for school. Then
I got the butterflies in the tummy feeling
on my way to the presentation this morning.
Then I presented it. Then they loved it. Then
they repeated that they loved it like six times.
Oh yeah, baby! Right in the kisser!
I really don't know what I'm talking about
right now. I think I'll go get another cup o' coffee.
Lots of rainy love,
lopie
p.s. Kate: I am an earth sign, I swear.
p.s.s. I don't have TV so I am kind of out of the loop...
But I ran across this and EL OH VEE EE it.
Yarn Video
p.s.s.s. More wedding pictures to come. Let me go
to St. Louis to see Chuck Berry, then I'll work on a
little photo album for youski-wooski.
Our wedding pictures are finally here!
Last night the Philharmonic Orchestra
performed in the park pavillion. I had
my hopes up for a nice, clear evening
with twinkling lights, lightning bugs,
and ice cream cones. But I got something
even better: an orchestra that played in
the rain. The instruments and performers
were covered, but the audience sat on
wet seats with umbrellas overhead.
I happen to spy something really amusing.
Near the front was a little kid who was
apparently really thirsty because she
was drinking the rain right off the
umbrella. She'd lick the sides and then
sip from the stream of water coming
off the pointy parts. She had no raincoat
on and didn't care that she was getting
completely soaked. She was just smiling
and giggling, drinking her rain.
On the way back to the car, I smiled
to myself and stuck out my tongue
for a little sip.
So lately I've been curious about something.
I have been asking people what their typical
evening is like after the official workday
(whatever that means for you), I think I'm
interested because I kind of understand
what people do during the day. But then
at night it's a big mystery. Does everyone
watch TV for 6 hours a night? Do you or
your spouse cook dinner? Do you go to the
gym religiously? Read? What is your
typical bedtime. I'm just fascinated by this
right now for some reason.
So if you'd like to feed my personal fascination,
tell...what is a typical evening like for you?
Oh bargain shopping...do I ever get enough?
Not a chance. Last weekend I hit the garage sales
and found something great. Unassumingly
leaning against a tree were four antique, rusty
iron grates. The visor-clad lady sitting in the
director's chair said they were salvaged from
the windows of an old apartment building.
She took a drag from her cigarette and said
she'd give them to me for thirty bucks.
I thought they were too beautiful to pass up...
and that they'd make great trellises. So, we
(well, Colin) hoisted them into the truck bed
and we drove home.
We hung the trellises from the arbor we built
onto the back of the house, made a quick trip
to the garden center to buy some climbing vines,
and planted them, winding their vines through
the slots. I love the juxtaposition of the old,
rusted metal and the baby-new green plants.
It's beautiful and provides some shade. I also
really like repurposing old things. I feel like
I'm doing them a service and letting them
breathe again somehow.
"The person who moves a mountain
begins by carrying away small stones."
-unknown
I ran across this quote today and
instantly loved it. I hope you do too.
Cheers!
Last night I saw the first glowing firefly
of the summer. It floated in and out
of focus, lighting up occasionally. They
fly so gracefully, it's enchanting. It made
me think of all the romantic things to do
in the summer: camping, moonlight
canoeing, bon fires, outdoor concerts,
picnics, flying kites...Lots of things to
look forward to.
I call those things "carrots". They say you
should dangle a carrot in front of a horse
to get him to move forward. And that's
exactly what looking forward to something
does for me. It makes me move forward.
What are your summer carrots?
Things I'm In Love With Today
- A Frida Kahlo mint box. Ooh,
how I love Frida.
- Seeing the tops of trees sway
in the summer breeze. Remembering
that when I was a child my mom told
me to be calm and sway like a tree.
- Eating lunch and drinking cherry
coke outside.
- The new Strawberries n Cream
Frapaccino from Starbucks. Oh yum.
- Creating rhymes in my emails to today.
- Wet grass sticking to my toes.
- Meeting new people for beers
and chatting about art and design
and pets and good food...
- My husband (man, that's so weird
to say!)
Big News!
Months ago I submitted illustrations
to Windstorm Creative to illustrate
Katrina's children's book called
"Denise's Mold". I sent off the package
and waited. And waited. And did a little
more waiting.
But all the waiting wasn't in vain. I just
found out that I got it. I was chosen
as the illustrator for "Denise's Mold"!
My first kid's book. I can hardly contain
myself. I want to run around in circles,
scream "hooray!" into the streets, and
grab strangers to tell them the news.
I am just so thrilled!
HOORAY!
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© Penelope Illustration. Stealing
is not nice. |
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