 |
|
|
| |
|
TRICK OR TREAT!
I hope everyone is dressed up today
in their costumes...you wouldn't want
the demons to find you, would you?
Ma-Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
I am dressed as a butterfly today
with the fancy wings, black curly-Qs
of liner around my eyes, red dress
and black tights, and black arm
warmers. I plan to flutter about all
day like a mad bug.
I love passing out candy to the little
beans that come to the door. And I
make them say trick-or-treat. (That's
their part of the deal...) I love seeing
what all the little girls chose to be:
princesses, bugs, bears. And the boys:
spiderman, sponge bob, or firefighters.
They are so cute!
Happy Halloween all!
Ever feel like you take on too much?
Lately I feel like I have so many things
going on, one of them is bound to
fall behind. There are friends, family,
work schedules, fiance things, hobbies,
illustration, personal time, working
out time, and getting enough rest to
deal with and juggle. And I don't even
have kids!
Everyone deals with organizing life
and all its compartments so it runs
smoothly. Lately I've just taken on
too much and feel a little overwhelmed.
I wonder what will give....
I moved around a lot as a kid. I went
to a new school every year, sometimes
two a year. I never really got to be close
to anyone because I knew I'd just leave
them in a few months. And that was
hard. I never really fit in because I didn't
grow up with them. I was always the
new girl.
I found little ways to cope at each place.
Childish ways to cope, mind you.
At one school I convinced everyone that
my name was Mackenzie. (I don't know
why, I just liked that name.) At another
school I sat in the back of the class and
didn't talk. At yet another school I decided
to form a little penelopian club with code
words and special recipes and mascots.
I, of course, was the president. And at
one school I even built a teepee in the
nearby woods and started to tell everyone
that I was of Native American decent.
(I think that was less of a coping mechanism
and more of a pure dork mechanism.)
And at one school I started a magazine.
(Really, it was more of a newspaper...
a bunch of stapled black and white copies
I passed out.) I stayed after school to put
it together and had to pay for the paper
and the staples that I used. I did a lot of
chores to earn extra allowance.
I named this so-called magazine Kids Style.
Well, Kids Style was passed out bi-weekly.
It had games, puzzles, drawings, stories,
and cartoons. And I did calls for submissions:
"Send Kids Style your favorite bed time story",
"Make up your own cartoon and submit it
to Kids Style"...That type of stuff. Besides
myself, my brother was my biggest contributor.
Some of my peers sent in submissions, too,
though. Mainly drawings of California Raisins
(remember them?...) and other things like that.
It thought it was a big hit. I still have a few
copies in my tote o' kid stuff (because we
moved so much, I don't have a ton of kid
stuff, so this is really a feat.)
This magazine made me feel like I belonged.
I made a few friends. Made a few enemies, too...
But I was part of it. I never really fit in, but
I found a way to use that to my benefit.
And I was happy.
(Then I moved a year later and
that's another story for another time.)
I want to capture this feeling and
bottle it up for when insecurity
knocks again. Right now I feel
really optimistic and hopeful and
stable. I feel like the baby steps
that I've been taking are going in
the right direction. That I am doing
the right thing.
I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING!
Wow, that's how that feels? It's so
wonderful.
I just had a chat with someone I
respect. Someone that lived my life
15 years ago. Someone who has gone
through exactly what I am. And he said
that being scared is normal. That I am
going through the right steps.
I feel like I can conquer this fear and
the unknown and push through it one
step at a time.
(insert sound of lid being twisted on tightly.)
One more thing that just makes me
smile today is this: a lovely friend of mine
who I've felt distant from lately called
me out of the blue last night. She said
that she was feeling down and we chatted
for a while. And by the end, we'd made
plans for a visit and she was laughing.
I am glad I made her feel better and now
I have a carrot (you know... you put the
carrot in front of the horse so he
keeps moving forward).
Yay!
Whistle while you work
This weekend was mostly work and
just a little play. I had an illustration
project that is coming due so I busted
my hiney on that. And, of course,
there is always house work to catch
up on. C and I are trying to finish the
basement slowly so we moved the
washer and dryer around (not a
very fun job.) Everything is still out
of order, so it looks worse than when
we started. (oh well...I reminded myself
that it needs to get worse before it
gets better.)
We also carved pumpkins. I picked
out the most gangly, bumpy, irregular
pumpkin I could find. I cut open the
top, hoping to find lots of seeds to
roast. But alas, there were none.
Oh wait, one. One seed. Pathetic.
I was robbed.
Now a new week is upon us. I have
high expectations that it will be lovely
and productive and fun.
One more thing: Congratulations to
Katrina at feistyscribe.com who
just got a book contract for her children's
picture book. Yay, Katrina!
Last night I took my volunteer sister
to dinner at a pizza place. This is no
ordinary pizza place. This pizza place
has a train running throughout that
brings your drinks to you table. It's
lots of fun. The background behind
each fake window is a picture of a
different landscape. We were in the
mountains. Then the train comes
chuggin chuggin by and toots when
it brings your root beer. I like it!
We spent the rest of the time watching
Sponge Bob and stuffing our faces
with mushroom pizza.
Every morning on my way to work I
pass homeless people laying on the
streets or huddling together trying
to stay warm now that the weather's
changed. And sometimes it makes me
feel really guilty. My life is so blessed.
I have food, shelter, love...everything.
And still I am not satisfied. I still want
more to be happier. (Not more things,
really...just change.) And it makes me
feel terrible. Is there something wrong
with striving to be better? Should we
all just be satisfied with what we have?
Maybe.
Or maybe this is just a helpful reminder
that while you strive to better yourself
or improve your situation, you should
be grateful for what you already have.
Spooktacular
Last night was the annual spooktacular.
A couple friends of mine host this event
every year. It starts with an old, comically-
not-scary, scary movie. There's all kinds
of little snackies like cheese and crackers,
Halloween-colored tortilla chips, candy
and nuts. The house is decorated with
skeletons and candles. And they invite
guests who don't know each other but
they think would get along well.
And every year it's a success.
I had a lot of fun making fun of the movie
and laughing at everyone's comments.
Put me in the Halloween spirit. I am all
ready to trick or treat in full costume.
Maybe go on a hay ride and carve some
pumpkins.
In other news, I recently read
Keri Smith's Letting Yourself Soar
lecture. It really touched me. I've been
going through a really rocky patch lately
in my life. I've been feeling really insecure.
Really afraid of failing and of being
unsuccessful. I feel like I don't have a
safety net.
I think that I was lead to read Keri's article.
The words that really reached out and
grabbed my heart by the strings were
"We all have the power to reinvent
ourselves at any time." Wow, that is
powerful. The hard part, of course, is
doing something with that knowledge.
I guess the only thing to do is take the
time to map out what you want, put your
head down, and charge.
Charge.
The weekend was exactly what I needed.
I did some weeding, planted some bulbs,
and worked on some illustration projects.
I also went to the orchard and bought
some fresh apple cider. Ooo, yeah.
I feel very revived.
There's an email being sent around these
days where there's a paragraph written
and you have to count all the Fs in it. And
almost everyone gets it wrong because you
naturally overlook little words like "of" and
"the". You are supposed to count 6 , but
your brain only lets you see 3. This bothers
me in big ways. It makes me wonder how
much other stuff we overlook everyday
because we are trained to. How much do
we miss or take for granted? I've been
trying to look harder when I see things,
but even then...you never know what you're
missing. And you still only count 3.
I wish I could strap magnifying glasses to
my head for one day to see all of it.
Feel better Friday
Today I'm feeling better. I decided
to do something about my moldy
bread feeling. What I did was make
a to do list of things that will get me
one step closer to my goal. Just
doing that helped me find focus and
keep my mind on track.
I found this quote, too:
"Whatever your labors and aspirations in
the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in
your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and
broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world."
-Max Ehrmann, 1927
So, in keeping peace in my soul, I'm
planning on doing some bulb planting
this weekend, going to the orchard
for some cider (and some wedding
scouting), and working on some
illustrations that I've finally visualized
and feel good about. Sounds like a
soul soothing plan.
Something is off. Logically, I know that
it's just one thing, but it makes me feel
like everything is off. It's like moldy bread.
One little section gets a little fuzzy and
that's all you can focus on. You can't
cut it off or eat around it. You just throw
the whole thing out.
I feel like I've lost perspective. Like I've
lost my path. I try so hard to work towards
my goals, and sometimes it seems like the
goal is silly or unreachable or just a different
dead end.
I don't know what to do to shake this.
If we are in control of our own life, I have
to be the one to do it. But why does that
seem so hard? Why do I feel so stuck?
I really think it's fear. The fear of failure.
The fear of responsibility or the fear of
avoiding it.
I am being really pessimistic. Maybe I'll try
the ten list thing again.
1. I was on time today.
2. The sun is shining.
3. Heartland Film Festival
4. Scary movie night
5. Winter clothes I'd forgotten I have
6. Sugary coffee with vanilla creamer
7. Giving people gifts
8. To do lists that get shorter
9. That "in love" feeling
10. Gewurztraminer wine
That's a little better...
Yeah, boy-eee!
There are a few new illustrations on my
folio page, if you wish to take a peek.
Loneliness is an awful feeling. Everyone's
felt it at one time or another. And it feels
like a downward spiral. There's no hope.
There's no relief. There's just your feeling
of emptiness. And it consumes you.
Someone I know is lonely. And it breaks
my heart. I want to help. I wish I knew
exactly what to do to make it better.
I have a tentative plan. I have launched a
campaign to become more involved in this
person's life. I'll send cards. I'll send articles
I think they'd like. I'll call. I want them know
that they have a friend and they have
someone there always...if not in person.
So, that's my plan and I'm sticking to it.
I sent out the first card last night. And
I feel better already. I hope they feel better
too, when they receive it.
HOLY MONKEY!
Expresssions are so addicting. I have
the habit of saying "holy monkey" all
the time. Really. I'm not kidding.
Anything happens and I shout "holy
monkey!". It's a sickness. I think I
do it becaue it's just such a weird
combination of words.
When I was little, my mom said
"holy mackerel" all the time. I used
to giggle to myself because I envisioned
one little fish in the ocean wearing an
angel costume and making the fish
face at the other mackerels. (yeah,
I needed a few more friends, perhaps...)
But now, I say holy monkey. And that's
no better.
C has a favorite expression: "sweet
georgia brown on a bicycle pump!". He
exclaims it every now and then and I
laugh every time.
Do you have a favorite expression?
I think this week I'll try to think
of something else to say. Maybe
"bubblegum chopsticks!" or
"lurking peaches!".
Ooo, that's fun.
Weekend, weekend, cha cha cha
It's here. Everybody cheer. The weekend.
Ah, beloved weekend. Yet another breath
of fresh air to save from drowning.
So what are your plans? Tell me tell me.
I am planning on getting some new jeans.
(Mine are all too short and flood...I was
made fun of a lot while growing up and I
may be overly sensitive to this.)
I also want to look at wedding rings and
work on some fun illustration projects and
call my ma. Oh yeah, I'm going to a pre-
season basketball game and hope to paint
my face and lose my voice.
I heard that if you name 10 things really
quick that you are thankful for, your blues
disappear or at least lessen. So, for all you
out there who need some cheering try that.
Here, I'll do it with you really quick:
1. My kitties
2. Bright red
3. Giant sunglasses
4. Peonies
(a much overlooked flower, in my opinion)
5. Reusable water bottles
6. Yellow leaves
7. Pumpkin bowling
8. Martian movies
9. Hats to cover up unwashed hair
10. Sore muscles after lifting weights.
There, I feel even better.
Happy weekend!
Sleepy days
Today I just want to stay home and
snuggle in a soft comforter and
forget I have responsibilities. I want
to put too much honey in my tea and
let it lull me back to sleep. I want to read
magazines filled with pretty photography
and books that take me to another world.
I want to plant some bulbs and paint
outside under the pergola.
But I can't. So, I'll get through this day
and hope it goes fast. It's almost the
weekend.
C and I have been struggling to find a place
for the wedding. We have settled on a place
for the reception: an old mansion with marble
floors and giant windows. But the actual
ceremony is not taken care of yet. We really
wanted to have it at the State House but
the lady rudely said that they were booked
through 2005. Ugh. We are leaning towards
getting hitched in a park and hoping it doesn't
rain. There are shelters if it does, I guess,
and people can bring umbrellas. Maybe we
should settle on that and start thinking about
other things.
Animation is very intriguing to me. I don't
understand how it works, and I don't really
want to. I like to just think of it as magic,
not something I need to learn about or
figure out.
I saw Finding Nemo last night at the dollar
theater. Oooo and I loved it. It made me laugh.
It brought tears to my eyes (yes, I'm that
dork sitting in the kid's movie crying messily).
I thought the story was great and the voice
talent was even greater. If you haven't seen
it yet, I recommend it highly.
I'm working on a couple of big projects
right now that have been consuming my mind.
I dream about them. I think about them while
I brush my teeth and while I stumble through
my days. I keep coming up with better ideas
that push me into other ideas for other projects.
It's nice to know that my brain can keep itself
so busy. I just wonder when I'll find the time
to do it all.
Intimidation is an awful thing. I have
been researching my next baby step,
and I am intimidated as can be. It
seems so hard to take the next step.
I'm unsure. Unsettled. Uneverything.
But as I said, I will push through the
grimy grayness and figure it out. I
just wish I didn't feel like I don't have
what it takes. I wish I felt sure.
On a good note: the Good Week Monster
is doing a fine job of protecting me.
He's stood his ground several times
when evilness attempted to destroy.
Go Good Week Monster!
Must go now. People be needing me.
THE GOOD WEEK MONSTER
The last couple of weeks have not been
the greatest. Actually pretty lousy, to tell
the truth. So, I thought I should put up
some defense this week. That's why I
hired the Good Week Monster. He's here
to guard against any bad week demon
that rears its ugly head to destroy the
week. Oh he looks friendly enough.
But if, say, Uncertainty decides to battle
him, you'd best watch out. He gets vicious.
He snarls. He spits. He kicks shins.
And he's not lost yet.
So, I feel confident that I will have a
good week this time. I can sleep easy.
Oh, as payment for Good Week Monster
he asked me to forward his services onto
you. If you'd like to hire Good Week Monster,
simply save him onto your desktop and
use him as your desktop picture. He'd
much appreciate the extra work.
(He's a toughy.)
IT'S FRIDAY! And that's something to
celebrate. Two days of doing what I
want, when I want, how I want. Wow,
that is wonderful.
I'm especially satisfied today because I
was able to cross one thing off my to-do
list. It's a step. A baby step in the right
direction. And I am feeling good about
that.
I think it's really important to celebrate
little victories. Even if it's just yelling hooray
for yourself really loud. (I do that and it
always feel good...even if people look at
me weird.) If you don't celebrate little
accomplishments, life just feels like work
work work. And that's no fun.
Oh, and I got my wedding dress. It's
just spectacular. I love it. I want to marry it.
Or maybe just get married in it. It's big
and poofy (not what I pictured for
myself, but so what?). I look like a giant
feather duster in it.
HOORAY!
I had a dream last night that I was
being pursued by a serif. My best
friend was a sans serif and serif was
mad. I was just walking along a
brick road, talking to sans serif, when
serif popped his little ascender out and
started to walk menacingly toward me.
I ran until I saw a tree to climb. I pulled
myself up branch by branch thinking that
I had eluded him when all the stems of
the leaves started to change. Each green
leaf was being punctuated by a serif. The
serifs replaced the stems. Then everything
I saw started sprouting ascenders and
descenders: the rays of sunshine, the tips
of clouds, the tail of a puppy. All serifs.
I couldn't escape. I was surrounded.
I yelped and woke up.
I think I may be working too hard
lately. I need a vacation. Maybe two
vacations right in a row.
It feels so good to help people. It's like
a drug that makes you want to do it
again and again. I think that's why I love
illustration. It's a way to use what talents
I have to help people or make them smile.
I recently completed a little illustration for
someone who gave it to her husband as
an anniversary gift. She said that he loved
it and got all misty-eyed. And I was just
so thrilled that I got to help that moment
happen. And I want to do it again.
There are things to focus on when you
have bad days that make you happy. This
is what I will choose to focus on. I don't
have to be grouchy or put out because
something doesn't go smoothly or doesn't
go my way. I just need to remember that
while the bad stuff is happening.
I know. I'll write it on my hand.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
© Penelope Illustration. Stealing
is not nice. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
