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Sometimes I lose focus. I have so many different
areas of life that I am trying to improve or change
or create...I get lost in one and push the others
to the side without my notice. I am trying to figure
out how to best keep everything straight. I seem
to have to write everything down in order to remember.
So, is it one big book that has different sections or
is it a few different books? It will all fall into place
eventually, I just need to keep looking ahead.
I asked my brother to be my maid of honor. He
has been my closest friend since I can remember and
he's always been there. (I guess family has to be.)
So he was logical choice. He said that he was flattered
and would be honored to do it. It was a nice moment.
I saw the movie Daddy Daycare last night. And for what
it was, I loved it. I laughed so loud I think I embarrassed
my volunteer sister. But I thought it was great. It
reminded me to play. To not be all about business all the
time. What fun is that? Plus, you need play to stay creative.
Today I'd like to just sit around and color or make a puppet
stage, but of course I can't. There are things that need
to happen. So, I wonder how I can fit some play time
into my responsibilities.
I'll think on that one.
Wedding dress shopping commenced
yesterday afternoon. I drove up to
wedding dress central (there are about
4 bridal stores in a row) and tried
on approximately 50 dresses. I had
no idea the process was so involved.
The first thing handed to me to include
was a puffy slip right out of the package
which had a really peculiar odor. I spun
around in the dressing room a few times
to air it out. It was tight around my waist
so I could barely breathe. But I was tiny.
Next I was handed a stiff, padded boustier
which I quickly declined. (I was smart
and wore my own comfy strapless bra.)
These boustiers are designed to add at least
4 cup sizes. And busty-lope is just not me.
So, I picked out a few dresses to test.
It was a very strange experience. There was
so much fabric it strained my muscles
to lift them from their plastic bags. It was
like skiing when I pulled them over my head.
Just white nothingness everywhere and I felt
like I should have some ski poles to navigate
the hills of tulle.
I put one dress on and walked out the fitting
room only to realize it had a butt bow. I was
under the impression that these were extinct.
Took the dress off immediately.
I found one that I liked and spun around
in front of the mirror. I didn't look like myself.
I looked like a little girl playing dress up.
Especially when the sales lady handed me
a tiara (with little teeth that stick in your hair).
I thought about it for a second and decided
against it. It is just too weird and painful-looking.
After trying on a bazillion dress, being pinched
here and there and flooded with satin and tulle
all the dresses looked exactly the same. None
of them felt special or perfect. So, I left empty
handed and exhausted.
I need to try again some other day and just go
to one, maybe two stores. And no slip or scary
toothed tiaras next time.
Well, autumn is definitely here. This
morning was chilly and refreshing.
I noticed that some eager trees were
already changing colors, too. I love that.
Fall is great. You get to pull out warm,
cozy sweaters, hot chocolate warms
your hands and tastes better, light scarves
and jackets are pulled out of the closet.
And I can't forget the inevitable warm
apple cider and pumpkin carving. There
is just so much to look forward to.
My little brother asked me if he could come
stay at my house for Halloween and go
trick-or-treating in my neighborhood and
carve pumpkins. I was really happy that
he wants to do that. I think it will be fun.
I don't get to hang out with him all that often.
I am 17 years older than him so I was kind of
out of the house before he was one. But,
all things considered, we have a pretty nice
relationship. It makes me all warm and fuzzy
that he doesn't think I'm too old and boring
to hang out with on a big day like Halloween.
I do realize I am jumping the gun a little
bit. Halloween is over a month away.
But fall is here and I can't wait to see
everything change.
Today I had the best feeling. I woke
up this morning with an assignment
dangling over my head. And I was
not nervous or anxious about it at
all. I was confident that my brain would
give me some good ideas and that it
would turn out fine. And, wow, does
that feel good. I don't know how long
it will last, but I plan to bottle it up for
future unstable moments.
There is an illustrator out there who
I am in love with. She is my hero and
I really really admire her work. Her name
is Giselle Potter. She does children's
books. I found her through storyopolis.com
I love how spontaneous and alive her
paintings look. In her little bio on that
site it says that her first illustration job
was for The New Yorker. And oh, man...
I think that's cool. She deserves it. That
is talent just flowin' out a paintbrush right
there.
Sometimes I think it's good to look at
other people's work to see get some
inspiration. It uplifts me. It challenges
me to learn and do better. And sometimes
looking at other's work makes me feel
like a big heel. "What am I doing??"
"Why did I think I could do this?" "I am
just kidding myself."
I think it's good to guess which way you
think you'll sway when you go searching
for the beauty out there. But sometimes
you can't predict and you end up crying
into your couch cushions for an hour.
Or maybe that's just me.
Baby steps require patience. And
that is not something that comes
naturally to me. If I could break
off into three or four mini-lopes
I would get so much more
accomplished. But that just won't
happen no matter how hard I try.
There are crickets outside my window
that chirp day and night. The chirp
is constant. I wonder if they ever get
tired of just doing that all day. They
must be some patient little bugs. I
picture them having little chirp-offs.
They sing back and forth to each other
and applaud the winner. And the winning
cricket's antennae are just a little perkier
until the next contest starts and he
has to defend his title.
Okay, back on the subject. I think having
too much to do and feeling like there
is just so much to accomplish was met
by my body saying "no". Just no. And now
I am not well and forced to go slow. It
hurts when my mind races, so I am taking
one thing at a time. My body is physically
tired which keeps me in check. I guess if
you are not able to control it by slowing down,
something else will help you slow down.
I need to remember baby steps. One thing
at a time. It will all happen when it's supposed
to. And I while I need to be active in making
things happen, I also need to relax and let
it be.
Welcome back. It's been nearly 5 days
since the last entry and I'm feeling
journal-deprived.
It was a fine weekend. It started off with
arriving home Friday night after two days
and two nights of retreat. It was nice to
be home and back to real-life. I missed
C and the boys quite a bit.
Saturday was the Fountain Square
Masterpiece in a Day contest. Fountain
Square is a neighborhood in town that
houses lots of antique stores, art stores
and other fun places like diners and duck
pin bowling alleys. The neighborhood
sponsored this event where contestants
were to create a piece of art (visual or
written) between 9 and 2 that day, to
be judged at 6pm. Well, C signed up to
write a piece and I went along for support.
(Unfortunately, my support consisted of
reading magazines in the library and
window shopping antique stores.)
Well, I went into one store and the owner
(who I know) asked me why I wasn't
competing. I said I didn't know. I didn't feel
the vibe that day, I guessed. He convinced
me to go home and get my paints. When I
came back, I parked it on a sidewalk and did
some sketches, then started to paint. C finished
his piece, I finished my painting, we submitted
them and went to run some errands.
We came back at six for the judging and I
was amazed at all the great art that'd been
produced that day. There were collages and
paintings and sculptures. You name it. It was
great. It was wonderful to see so many creative
people together in one space.
After the belly dancing and drumming was
finished the MC started announcing the winners.
He called my name.
I almost fell over with shock.
Holy monkey!
There were three winners for abstract art and
three for representational art, and I was one.
I turned beat red and walked up to the front
where I congratulated the other winners and
got my picture taken with my little illustration.
I feel kind of sheepish about the win because
there was so much good stuff there and I didn't
want to compete in the first place. I am really
glad I did though. I felt great.
The next day (Sunday) C and I drove to Chicago
for my grandparent's 50th anniversary. We took
a architectural boat tour down the river (wow! can
I move there?) and went out to eat at Italian Village
where my grandpa proposed to my grandma. During
the close of the meal, everyone went around the
table and talked about how they first got engaged,
and C told our story. It was a really special moment.
(And coincidentally, we learned that my grandpa asked
my grandma to marry him in a little booth called
La Pergola in the restaurant. C asked me to marry
him under the pergola that we built together on
our house. I think it's a good sign, personally.)
Today I be illin', (I'm not well at all). But creatively
I feel like I just refueled. As soon as I get over being
sick, I am going to paint the whole house red
(or maybe just work on some more illustrations).
It's good to feel inspired. I don't think there's anything
better, in fact.
Ode to Frida
I am fascinated with Frida Kahlo. I have
been for several years now. I've read
many books about her, seen lots of her
artwork in books and online (never in
person, yet...). She's such a powerful
character.
I think I'm fascinated with her because she
was such a strong person and woman.
Despite her broken body and her emotional
distress, she never lost her spirit. Now that's
strength.
I saw the Frida movie starring Salma Hayek
a couple of months ago. While I am not a fan
of Salma's by any stretch of the imagination,
I thought she did a great job with that movie.
The movie had such colorful and memorable
imagery, it just fueled my fire for Frida.
I put Frida Kahlo on a pedestal as someone
to look to for inspiration. She is one of many
who demonstrate how to be strong and make
it your way.
Okay, done with the Frida rant.
On a different note: I am going on a retreat
for a few days so I won't be able to post
again until Saturday. Please walk around
barefoot and light smelly candles in my absence.
I have been ruled by fear lately. I don't
know how exactly I fell into this pattern,
but it's here and it's got to stop. I'm
afraid.
Sometimes things seem so easy. I think
of the worst thing that could happen and
how I'd survive it. What's the worst? Being poor?
Being a failure? Being rejected? Aren't those
things people recover from? I certainly could.
I'd just change directions. People do that
everyday. Are those things even important,
anyway?
Other times I think about how difficult things
are. There are ten million people out there
doing their thing....being daring...being
successful...being something. And I don't even
want to compete. I'd rather just lie down and
surrender.
It's just so easy to feel comfortable and accept
the safety net that is layed out for you. It's so
easy to just go along status quo and only dream
about changing it. But actually making change
happen is risky. It's scary. It's unsafe. But it's
exciting and daring, too.
So, I have come up with a masterplan. My
masterplan that consists of baby steps
that I will stick to in order to bring about the
change in myself. And I will do it.
I don't want to look back at my life and
feel like I could've done it differently and better.
That I missed opportunities because I was
too fearful. And that is my incentive.
Now I'll raise my fist and charge (to the
coffee shop for some java). Hey, it's a step.
The Feast of the Lanterns was last night.
It was held in a park in a not so nice
neighborhood in town. They had all kinds
of funny things to see and do, including
break dancing demonstrations, celebrity
doodle contests, and a paper moon
photo booth. Local bands played, and then
some sort of sing-a-long happened, which
was hilarious and pathetic at the same time.
I, unfortunately, missed almost everything
but the sing-a-long. But it was worth going
just to see all the paper lanterns in the trees.
There were hundreds of them, varying in size,
strung from the every tree in the park. Each
one was lit with a candle or a strand of white
christmas lights. And it was something. It was
like some kind of fairy land setting.
Plus, if you squinted it looked like a bazillion
imperfect circles swarming around you. (Have
I mentioned my adoration of imperfect circles?)
It was just beautiful. Makes me want to go string
up some paper lanterns in my backyard.
I don't know why I woke up thinking about
this subject today. But I thought I'd write
it down and put it out there.
I miss girl days. I've always had one good
girlfriend around to play with. Singing into
hairbrushes. Dressing up in boas to go
to a coffee shop. Putting on pink nailpolish
and butterfly shirts and driving around
looking for adventure. But now I don't.
And I miss it. I miss being able to just
laugh about silly things and hear the
female perspective on issues.
I don't want to come across as unhappy or
ungrateful for what I have. I am satisfied for the
most part. I just miss how things were sometimes.
And now it seems very unattainable. It seems
hard to formulate that kind of friendship when
you get older, and it's sad and sort of lonely.
C has a best friend. They work on motorcycles
together and laugh about things like music and
cars and all that. They are very different people
but I think that makes them like each other more.
They see how the other views things and it interests
them to look at it differently.
I'm jealous of that. And maybe I'm just feeling
sorry for myself (probably). But it just feels good
to write it down and get it out.
My neighbor is a chihuahua breeder. He and
his wife have approximately seventeen dogs.
They just had puppies. And the puppies are
about the size of CornNuts. It's a mad house
over there. All these little nippy dogs running
around with little personalities. Some are pretty
friendly. Some give you the cold shoulder.
Some are rather angry with you for no good
reason. And some want to tell you all their
little chihuahua secrets.
But there's one in particular named Kennetha,
after her previous owner, Kenny, who passed away
last year. My neighbor adopted Kennetha
after Kenny died because they were buddies
and because Kennetha is such a sweet dog.
Well, my neighbor noticed that every time he
mowed his lawn Kennetha would follow him
around and whine. So he decided that she should
mow the lawn with him. He went ahead and did
the logical thing of buying a baby papoose for
the dog to rest in while he cut the grass.
(No chance for Kennetha to jump out and hurt
herself, you see.)
I think it's really sweet that he went all out for
little Kennetha. And it really makes my day more
enjoyable when I happen to find him mowing his
lawn with a tiny, content-looking dog strapped to
his chest. It's quite a sight.
I never wanted to get married
When I was a wee lass I never thought I
would get married. I never thought about
what kind of dress I would get or what colors
I would choose for the day. As a matter of
fact, it never really crossed my mind. I was
too busy chasing frogs or pretending I was
a ninja. I thought weddings were for sissies.
I thought that up until about 2 years ago.
And now I am engaged and I have no idea
where to start. (I'm now a sissy). It seems
like a daunting task to plan a wedding. And
it's scary. What if I screw it up and the whole
day is just awful. I guess I'd just laugh and
deal with it.
Plus, I can't dance. I know this is a dumb thing
to be worried about, but I can't. That was just
a little too confessional...
Back to my point: I think the first step is to pick a
day to have it. Or maybe you're supposed to pick
the place first. Holy wedding bells, batman! My friend
told me about theknot.com. I went there
and was just overwhelmed immediately. I think I need
to check it out again when I have a longer time to
spend a cup of calming tea in hand.
I am a Big Sister in the Big Brothers/ Big Sisters
organization. And it's not all fun and games. I
like being a positive influence in a little girl's life.
But it can be so frustrating. Last night I took
little P out to to dinner and to the library to get
her very own library card. The lady behind the
counter said that she couldn't get one unless her
parent was with her. And she was quite curt about
it, too. No sympathy. No mercy. That made me a
tad angry because her parents would never take
her to the library. There is a library three blocks from
her house and she's never set foot in there.
I don't know why.
She's way behind in school, but she's shown some
interest in reading. She doesn't have access to books.
And that really really frustrates me. Books help you learn.
Grow. Change. Escape. And she can't have it on her own.
We rented a book on my library card and she seemed
pleased about that. I hope she really enjoys it and
insists that her mother take her to get a library card.
(I think this is wishful thinking.)
After that incident, I was pretty peeved for the remainder
of the night. For some reason I couldn't let it go. And
I felt awful because that is not a good way to be around
a child. That is not a positive influence. Now I'm just feeling
awful about the whole match. I don't think I can handle this.
I should never have kids of my own. I am not a patient
person. I am not someone to look up to.
I think I need to go back to bed. Great. Now I've worked
myself into a grumpy mood. Over a mean little librarian lady.
See? I still haven't let it go.
I'll stop now. Sheesh.
This birthday was the best birthday
I've ever had. I can say that with
certainty. Wait, go get a cup of coffee
and let me tell you about it.
It started off, as you know, early.
Then there was the present my mother
sent me. It was bulbs to plant this fall.
(She's quite the green thumb, and I
really want to be one, too.) She also
included streamers and balloons which
C put up all over the house and it looks
all festive.
Then C gave me his presents including
bunny ears to wear on my motorcycle
helmet. They've been speed tested up
to 150 miles per hour. And you know
there will be an illustration for that...
just give me time.
But then it was off to the winery. Ooo-
I love the winery. It's beautiful there. There
are all kinds of flowers and little waterfalls
and a lake. So, we tasted a few wines, chose
two to buy and opened one to sip by the lake.
It was wonderful. There were butterflies out
and it was my favorite temperature (where
you get to decide whether you want to wear
a jacket or not).
On the way home we made a quick stop at
Urban Outfitters which was just swamped with
people. But I found a lovely tablecloth, a light
scarf and two pairs of sleeves (arm warmers).
Boy are they cool. I can't wait to wear my sleeves.
When we got home, we changed into some nicer
clothes for dinner. We ended up one of our first
date destinations, a sushi bar. We had salmon
rolls and shrimp tempera and some Japanese beer.
It was all so delicious.
Well, when we got home we were both pretty
exhausted. C turned on some music and started
to dance with me. Neither of us can dance for squat
so we just stepped on each other's toes and laughed.
Then he grabbed my hand. Started pulling me through
the house toward the back door. He was moving quickly
and I thought he wanted to dance some more outside
where the world could make fun. But he stopped under
the arbor that we built together this summer. He dropped
down to one knee and pulled out his wallet. I thought he
was pulling out his credit card for me to have (don't ask
me, it was all happening so fast), but then I saw the ring.
The most beautiful ring. And he asked me to marry him.
I cried. And laughed. And cried. And said yes.
He later told me that he had not expected to ask me on
my birthday. He's been carrying the ring around in his
wallet for almost two months. He's just been waiting
for the perfect moment. And that was it.
And it was the best birthday present I could have
asked for.
Today is the day! It's my birthday.
It's just getting started, so I don't
have too much to report on as yet.
I just woke up much too early,
put on my birthday cake hat and
thought I'd throw in an illustration
to start the day.
I'm your huckleberry
One more day before my birthday.
I am really happy about it. I have no
plans that I know of. But C tells me
that I have a super secret surprise.
Shall I guess? Maybe a trip to the
moon or a giant water lilly or a new
book? All good things. I like to imagine
what it could be.
Last night I watched "Tombstone" for
the umpteenth time. That is a really good
movie, in my opinion. "I'm your huckleberry."
I want an opportunity to say that. So, I'll
look for one today. I wonder why those guys
were so brave and fearless. Today we blame
a lot of things on chemicals in the body. Did
they just have a tiny bit more of some chemical
like Bravacornacopediosness? Can I buy some
of that?
Or maybe I'll just go get another cup of coffee.
Meet my boys.
These are my two little boys,
Bailey and Noah. They are brothers
and best friends. And I am lucky to have
adopted such lovable little creatures.
Bailey is handsomely monochromatic and
mouthy. He talks all the time. Tells you you're
doing it wrong. Orders you to give him things.
If he were human he would be smooooth with
the ladies, drink fine wine, and drive a slick
black porsche (with leather, of course) really fast
around curves.
Noah, on the other hand, is the beer drinkin'
type. (And he's got the beer belly to prove it.)
He would wear his baseball hat backwards,
get into regular fist fights, and call girls "chicks".
You'd be a friend unless you proved untrustworthy,
then he'd just whip ya ace and send you home.
But they are cute as the dickens. Their latest
accomplishment is when their food bowl is
empty, they pull it out into the middle of
the walkway and stand on it. They absolutely
do not want you to overlook the fact that
they are starving to death. To death. And they
want you to feel as guilty as a little "mew" can
make you feel.
"mew". See...feeling guilty, aren't you?
The blessed three day weekend.
Well, all of you who have been following along
know that Friday was just supernaturally good.
The weekend that followed had a lot to live up
to and it scored about an eight and a half. (It
missed the big 9 with just a little too much
splash at the end.)
It rained. And it rained. And it rained. Now don't
get me wrong...I love the rain. I think it makes you
appreciate the sun a little more. But lordy, it was rainy.
I refused to give up my flip flops and ended up with
muddy, grainy feet. And I didn't mind. It felt good,
actually. Dirty feet is a sign that you enjoyed yourself.
I watched my sister play in a softball tournament and
lost my voice. I lose my voice after all of my sibling's
events. Yeah, I'm that loud one who embarrasses them.
But deep down, I'm sure they appreciate the support.
Who doesn't?
The Blueberry festival had no blueberries, at least none
that I saw. Although they did have a great mascot. He
was Blueberry Hank...a little fat blueberry man with long
arms and legs. I think he saved the Blueberry festival
with that cheesy fake smile. There was also a tractor pull
in the mud, which was a joy to watch. The bib-overall
wearing men put their heart and soul into making their
tractors loud, manly machines of power. (I'm almost sure
I saw C taking notes.)
We watched two movies that were badly reviewed when
they were first out, Hudson Hawk and I Spy. Hudson Hawk
made me squawk with laughter when, in one scene, the
lady in distress was tackled by a medium sized dog. I don't
know why it was so funny. It just was. And I Spy was funny
in its own cheesy way. Or maybe I was just in a good mood
from all the mud-sloggin', tractor pullin', non-blueberry eatin'
fun from the day.
I did end up going to my bestest friend's open house.
It was a little awkward. I haven't seen her in months and I
really have a lot to catch up on. But it's impossible to catch
up with someone at an open house. There are people to attend
to, food to be eaten, and gifts to be opened. So, I left feeling
a little more lonely than I anticipated. That's how it goes
sometimes, I guess. I won't cry. I won't. Okay, maybe just
a little. But I'm over it. Not really. But I will be.
Well, only half a work week stands between me and my
birthday. I'm getting older and loving it. It is my theory that
people get better with age. Take me, for instance. I look
back on how I was when I was 17 or 18. The choices I made, the
thoughts I had. Oh my have I changed. I am much better now.
I feel like I will look back at this stage of my life and think
the same thing later: what was I thinking? So, with that in
mind, I look forward to each year I gain. Years give you
wisdom and patience and serenity. And that's something I
really look forward to.
Oh, I am just thrilled. I had to write just a quick
note now (before the weekend blog). I was just
checking through my emails (did I mention that
I love email) and I had a reply from someone that
just made my day.
Sometime last week I emailed Keri Smith (you know,
the wonderful illustrator with the new book I linked to).
Well, I asked for her advice and thoughts on starting
out as an illustrator and being a creator and she
emailed me back. I cannot tell you how happy that makes
me. I feel very connected right now and that is the best
feeling ever. I feel like things are going to work out, that
everything is going to be okay, and all the world is one
big gift to be unwrapped. Yay! (And no, I'm not being
hyperbolic. I am just so happy.)
So, tonight I can say surely say that I will dream
of little drawings that make people smile and of writing that
lures people to feel some magic.
Thank you, Keri.
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© Penelope Illustration. Stealing
is not nice. |
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